Fleeting Immortality
by GrellMichaelis100
Summary: An autobiography of my Black Butler oc Elisa. Any other character mentioned in this story are either owned by my friends or by Black Butler (Very slight trigger warning)
1. Chapter 1

_Loneliness becomes a lover, solitude a darling sin_

 _-_ _Ian Fleming, 'The Spy Who Loved Me'_

An interesting quote..it fits me in a sense. A good half of my life has been dedicated to being alone. Isolating myself from my anger, and living in the shadows of my fear. Being alone brought peace to my mind, brought me ease.

I had one friend..she left me because I was so isolated

I shook her off, thinking I wasn't made for friends anyway.

I thought they'd just slow me down.

Isolating yourself can give you great opportunities to explore yourself. I spent my isolation reading, training my abilities, and quietly observing, as not to disturb the delicate balance of life I saw each and every day. I thought that was the way you should observe things, from a distance, no contact with who or what you were observing. A control group.

The day I decided to experiment was the worst day of my life.

I ventured out into the world armed with a notebook and my mind. I was so used to being by myself, being around so many people was a rush. I felt overwhelmed. The first walk I took in a big town ended up in me feeling dizzy and shaky. I had to sit in a corner to calm myself down, and I stayed there for a while until a man in a black suit looked down at me. He offered a hand and helped me up. I don't remember much of the questions he asked me but it ended up with me going to a luxurious manor, one like my own. I remember I told that man at the moment I didn't have a place to live, and he offered me a job. He was a servant, a butler for a child heir named Alois Trancy..the butler had a name that even to this day I can't get out of my mind.

Claude Faustus

I worked there for a while doing simple things. Cleaning floors, dishes, clothes..it was tedious but I didn't know how to deny a kind offer. And a part of me believed this stranger was kind, and actually cared for me.

I was wrong

One day I was carrying linens upstairs when I felt a hand on my shoulder, He grabbed me and dragged me off to a corner, pinning me there talking about how he knew who I was and how much I was worth to him and others. I faked like I didn't know what he meant...I'm a terrible liar.

I was dragged downstairs to an old stone basement and I was chained to a wall with iron cuffs. My skin burned terribly and as much as I didn't want to I started to cry. I remember everything that happened to me down there. He used me, threatened to turn me over to those who wanted my abilities, my power, my soul. Every time I denied a request he would beat me and just threatened me more. I was stupid enough to start an argument with him. I yelled insult after insult and when he finally stood up and looked at me I squeaked and kept quiet. He walked over and grabbed my throat, calling me pathetic and worthless..he told me I was his property..

He raped me that night..

I never experienced pain like that in my life..

It went on for so much time I had forgotten what the outside world looked like. I had forgotten what fresh air smelled like, what a warm breeze felt like. All I knew was the burning iron cuffs and the jagged stone floor.

After a long time I thought this would be the rest of my endless life..until the door to the basement opened, and I didn't see Claude there.

A woman, a complete stranger, helped me escape from him. Her name was Bella.

When I stepped outside and saw the world I started crying. Fresh air and sunlight seemed dead to me. I swore on my life I'd never let myself miss out on what the world had to offer.

I don't quite remember when or how this happened but I ended up going with Bella to one of her friends parties. She was dressed all in red and instructed me to dress the same way. I was puzzled but I did it nonetheless. When we got to the party I was awestruck. Everything was decorated in red and gold and there were so many people there..the overwhelmed feeling was back.

Details are still fuzzy, old age will do that to you, but I still remember everyone I met there. I still share an amazing bond with them, a bond I haven't felt in so long. Pandora Baines, Bella Onsuoir, Grell Sutcliff, Airo Yannis, Arisu Ammendolia, Sebastian Michaelis…

They became my family…

And for a while that's how I wanted it to stay. Pandora and Bella being like sisters to me,and Arisu being like a sister who wanted me for a pet, Airo sort of being like an older brother, even if in actuality I'm older than him, Sebastian being a fatherly figure, even with yet another age difference, and Grell being like a mother...a murderous..slightly psychopathic mother. But motherly nonetheless.

Me..I was just sort of..there..

They cared about me sure, Pandora even came over for magic lessons from time to time...Arisu basically coming over trying to claim me. But I still felt a bit lonely. I watched my family form tight bonds with each other. Bella and Airo being married...and although their marriages ended in sadness I saw Grell and Pandora at least find love for a bit..whenever any of them asked if I felt alone I simply shrugged. Or I said I was in love with reading, and that literature was my love.

Until another fateful day rolled around.

My friends decided to surprise me with a visit to the greatest library in the world. The reapers library..where I could read about any fallen author's life. It was all at my fingertips page after page of history. I isolated myself to a corner surrounded by various books as I started to read. A few hours later I realized I was left alone. My friends had gone home. I looked around for a bit realizing my isolation was a lie. I saw a man by a distant shelf. I stayed put as he walked towards me. I was worried, since Grell wasn't there to explain my visit I probably got into some form of trouble. I prepared myself to either apologize furiously...or run.

Turns out I didn't even really need to do either.


	2. Chapter 2

The man's features were...soft...gentle..and dare I say friendly. He asked me quickly and politely 'What are you doing here?'

I explained my situation and instead of getting yelled at, I was greeted with a smile.

'You can stay here if you want...you don't seem like the kind of person to just carelessly distribute this information' He said, sitting next to me. 'I only come here once a year...so I know how it feels to get lost in the lives of others' I nodded in agreement. We both talked and read through a few books before I realized I should be getting home. I mentioned I didn't have a ride and he offered to drive me there.

Normally I would've just walked home, but this man was just too...interesting for me to just walk off and never see him again. So I accepted his offer. We got into his car and he started driving, with my directions of course. After a bit I got distracted and started studying him. His hair was a more warm honey blonde in contrast to my more ashy hair, and his eyes were a piercing green that counteracted the more ocean blue tone my eyes had to them. If it hasn't been made clear by now he was...absolutely gorgeous.

What I thought would be a lengthy drive home ended in a few short minutes. But I didn't want to say goodbye. So I invited him in. During our drive he mentioned his name was Ryo, a short but memorable name that I couldn't stop repeating in my we entered my house he was speechless.

Over the many years of school I've attended I collected books and artifacts from the places and people I've observed. They littered, some would say cluttered, my walls, tables and rooms. I offered to make tea and he nodded and went to sit down. I left to make it while he picked up one of the books on the wall and started reading it. After a few minutes I made tea and brought it out for us, and we drank and talked for at least another hour before he said he had to go, not before he asked me out to dinner the next night.

I barely remember the thoughts going through my head but all I remember is my mouth opening and the words 'Alright pick me up at 7' come out.

And with a smile and nod he walked out and drove home

And I just sat there holding my cup of tea, when a familiar feeling crept up into the back of my head.

The nights sleep was...eventful. Meaning I couldn't get any. In most situations this meant that I was excited for the date, which I was. But at the same time I was scared. Finally I managed to fall asleep. I slept peacefully for about an hour before the usual void dream I was having stopped. Memories from that small...dark room started coming back. Only...I couldn't make out the face.

I felt a familiar tightness in my throat. The feelings of that man's disgusting gloved hands grabbing me...abusing me. When I finally started to make out a face I woke up with a start. I sat up in bed, panting, my hair sticking to my face from sweat. The rest of the night I tried my hardest to figure out who's face that was if it wasn't Claude. The thoughts clouded my mind until about 5 am, where my body's desire for sleep outweighed my brains curiosity and concern. I actually slept peacefully until I heard my doorbell ring.


	3. Chapter 3

I rubbed my eyes and walked up to my door, seeing my friend Pandora. I tried my hardest to smile but fatigue took over, so it ended up being more of a lopsided grin. I told her she could come in and I made us breakfast. We idly chatted for a bit before I officially told her about the man I met yesterday. If I told you I was short and sweet with my description...I'd be lying.

My mood seemed to perk up a small bit as I described his features. 'His name is Ryo...he was so nice to me that day...thank you again for bringing me to the library…' I said. During our whole conversation about him I couldn't help but giggle at a few thoughts. I don't know why thinking about him made me feel this way but it did.

Then...that tightness in my throat came back.

My mood instantly fell and when Pandora asked me what's wrong I simply told her about the dream I had, remembering the nights I spent in that basement. She cut me off before I mentioned the man hurting me didn't have a face, saying it was probably just a random occurrence. Something in my mind told me that she was softening her thoughts to make me feel better about it...but I stayed silent about it for the time being.

After she left I looked at the time. It was four pm, so I still had time to get ready. I disrobed and went into my bathroom.

I'm not the type to have a modern bathroom...I have no shower. Just a clawfoot bathtub that barely fits me, a sink, a toilet and a floor length mirror

I ran the water and got into the tub, sitting and relaxing in the warm water. I felt my eyes close and soon I dozed off…

I don't remember what the dream had explicitly, but I would compare it to the dream I had the previous night. A basement, an abuser, no face...My subconscious told me to see this dream out and see who the face was, but after what seemed like a few minutes I felt a sudden rush of water into my lungs. I woke up, coughing hard and spitting up water and saliva into my bath..

I sighed, got out of the tub and pulled the plug to let the water drain. I looked at myself in the mirror, my vision cutting in and out. A hand around my throat…

"Maybe I should cancel the date…" I mumbled to myself, but for some reason I kept getting ready. I wrapped my body in a towel, going towards my small vanity and heating up an old fashioned curling iron. I curled my hair slightly, pulling it up into a bun with a rose accent pin. I pulled on a white lace dress and matte nude heels...I wouldn't ordinarily wear heels but I'm 5'2''...I needed the help.

I smiled, satisfied with how I looked and I sat on my couch, patiently waiting for him to arrive...it was only 5…

After two hours of waiting and changing my hair a million times I heard my doorbell ring again. I looked in the mirror, sighing a bit at my still slightly tired appearance and going over to open my door.

I opened the door, seeing the tall figure before me, I smiled gently without a word, simply taking in his appearance.

We seemed to have the same look on our face, tired and dreamy. We were both silent for a bit before I squeaked out a soft "Hi..". I blushed brightly, mentally slapping myself for being awkward. He said a slight hello back to me, and I grabbed my bag containing my absolute brick of a cell phone and we walked off.

I don't quite remember the date too clearly, yet I remember everything he said. About his sister, what it's like being a reaper, etc.

I felt my heart race, not in a bad way but...in a way that made me feel alive again. In a way that brought me joy…

To be quite honest I was terrified

That familiar rush of emotion came back into my mind

The same one that I was when I was outside for the first time

I hated it

I needed to get out of here

After a little he mentioned it was time to go home, and I eagerly agreed. He gave me a ride home and I walked inside, taking my hair out of it's bun and crying slightly. The gentle tears turned into streams of emotion running down my face.

I wanted to be love, but it just seemed like my body was too scared to be in love. As if it didn't want me to have this happiness.

I cried for a few minutes before eventually calming down, residing to the couch and curling up. I felt my eyes lower as I fell into a deep, and thankfully dreamless, sleep.


	4. Chapter 4

After a few weeks of dating I decided to tell my "older brother" (even if he's way..way younger than me) that I was in a relationship

...It didn't go well at all

Thankfully he wasn't mad at me, he was more mad at Ryo. He said he was trying to hurt me, trying to take advantage of me, etc. I didn't personally feel like he could hurt me, but it was obvious that my body was telling me something was wrong.

In the middle of Airo ranting he noticed that I looked paler. Granted I'm pale already, it just seemed like I lost some of the very little color I did have.

I didn't notice it at first but one look in my mirror confirmed his comment. I wanted to just disregard it but..I ended up telling him everything

Every dream

Every panic attack

Every flashing image

And it didn't change his opinion

He told me he trusts me enough to not get hurt in this relationship, but he also told me just to be careful.

The only problem is that I had no trust in myself to make sure that this relationship worked out

Centures of living and I've only just entered a relationship. Always knew I was a late bloomer.

But back to the conversation. The rest of it went well since I tried my hardest to change the subject. Thankfully Airo is easy to distract when it comes to conversations about his life.

While he went on about something that happened yesterday I got lost in thought. I was thinking about the dreams I've been having more. All of the men in my dreams have not had a face, just a distinct figure. It was shorter than I remember Claude's height to be, but it still had a familiar build. It confused me and I hated it. The sick feeling in my stomach came back and I gagged slightly, causing Airo to immediately stop talking and reach for me in concern. I couldn't hear anything. I couldn't feel anything.

The next thing I remember from that day was lying in my bed with a cold cloth on my forehead.

After a rough interrogation from "big brother" I asked him to leave, and when that didn't work I simply shoved him out of my house.

I didn't want to be so drastic. I just needed time to think.

I made myself tea and sat on my couch, sipping it slowly before hearing my doorbell ring.


End file.
